You wrote "stories" from the heart, I can provide you with excerpts from a book I'm currently working on. Just message me and I can get that to you. Here's a sample:
I want that feeling of complete and utter okay-ness. The kind of "okay" like when you're in kindergarten, on the playground with your newly acquainted classmates, waiting in a line to get on the tire swing that you loved so dearly. Lines formed for the kids who wanted to go next. Which eventually led to fighting for who's next up for a turn to sit and be swung in the air. Friends went together a lot and would hold hands. Or laugh together. And thy just seemed so... Close. I envied that. I want bonds and friendships that mean everything.
I remembering having a crush on this girl named daria, daria was a petite brunette innocently breath taking kind of gal. Butterflies entered my stomach every time I saw her, I'd smile with shyness and never said a peep. Until one day the teachers of our classes brought all the kids together for an event and I finally talked to her.
"Hi" i said.
She looked at me, smiled and said hello.
And there we were, two awkward kids saying hi to each other in school during our younger years and it's like entering a whole new world of possibilities. Romance has always been my thing, I always loved the whole existence of love and having soul mates. I love everything about love but I have no clue what it is, everything I know only comes from what I've read, watched, seen, experienced, fantasised about or wanted so badly for myself. I'm huge on gestures, the smallest mean most. But even to those people who are just there in your life at that moment in time, no matter who it was... I have no problem with. I'm am a deep, genuine and kind person regardless of the walls I have up. Walls that didn't even take long to build, just took a lot of suicidal nights to survive through. Thick invisible walls moulded by circumstances given in life--physical, emotional mental and spiritual. that only a few have truly been on the other side of. Here's how I look at it:
I'm not racist, I'm open minded to different cultures and I am kind to everyone. I just want to be known for me.
For who I truly am. For everything that makes up my whole existence.
I guess you can never say I ever thought about who I was. Of course when you're a kid, your mind isn't fully developed so it makes sense. Your knowledge comes from time. Time that was given.
My reasons for living would be nearly impossible to understand because everyone who got to know me or everyone who I let get to know me for who I really was at that point in my life were right. How? They all said the same thing: you're different from other people.
I battled between who I was, I became a lot of things I never wanted or envisioned for myself, I got involved in things that I now use to make myself look like a badass with a wild past.
Typical egotistical me, go figure. Somewhere behind all the thick walls tough, there is a big part of me that regrets it. There's also the part of me that loves it and was glad to have one through it for the knowledge and crazy experience of a story to tell people but then again, it never gets brought up because people will judge you for your past delinquencies and screw ups as if it entirely makes up who you are as a person. That's why you tell and tell those only those worthy of your thoughts but not to the full extent and never in' true detailed narrator of thoughts story mode' either. No one should know your thoughts like you do.
Nor will anyone ever understand you like you understand yourself.
I remember I had educational toys as a kid because my parents tried so hard to get me into it. So not only were toys what I always wanted, but a plus for my parents, if I'm playing I may as well be learning too.
"Play the game, and you'll lose no doubt, but use your loses for experience and go through every way possible, every thought made up in all of who you are as a human being. Use the knowledge and a filtered but insightful understanding of "life" as we all know it but what I just call a blip in time in a plane of existence we like to call the "unknown".
Ever wonder why you exist, how you exist and what reasoning is for all of this "living"
